Day 116: Dragged through the dirt

Another doctors appointment today, and another day with not answers. I went to a Neuromuscular doctor today, I wanted to cancel because I knew I wouldn't get anywhere, but I was desperate, and held on to a little more hope. I just need to vent today. We waited int he room longer than he assessed me. He only checked my joints and reflexes. I asked questions, Why am I so shaky all the time? I told him a few symptoms, but all got brushed aside. I asked to be tested for connective tissue diseases, EDS to be more specific. He quickly dismissed that, and said it's highly unlikely because EDS has certain physical characteristics, and I don't have any. (I knew he was thinking of the vascular type, there are 6, types of EDS) I mentioned that in my reading it was said that people with EDS look healthy, and have normal test results. I told him 2, of my kids show symptoms when he asked if any other family members had similar issues. I told him that EDS often gets diagnosed as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or Fibromyalgia, but it all got dismissed. He sat there with this smug look on his face, like amuse me some more. After I was done talking he would say, Mmmm hmmm......I can read body language, and his you are wrong, and have no idea what you are talking about. My visit was short, 15-20 minutes max. I would expect that kind of visit at the walk in clinic. I did a no-no, and broke down, and knew our visit was over. Doctors don't like it when you break down, its shows your just weak, and a basket case with issues. I apologized for breaking down, told him it just effects my daily life, as well as my families. I thanked him for his time. Not sure if he felt sorry for me, or what but he says, Well we can do a biopsy to see if you have it, but I don't think it will be positive. Told me to go see Dr. S, and get the biopsy done, and he will send him some notes. Great!! That is all I wanted!! This is the Dr. I wanted to test me for EDS, to make my freaking head happy!!! Just want to rule this out, that is all. It's rough when doctors think you are just manifesting this pain because you are depressed. I'll gladly go to a psychologist to have my mental health evaluated. I have been called a hypochondriac by family. Sometimes you start to believe, Is it all in my head? I try not to talk, or complain about my illness to others because I fear I will be judged by them. It's hard to get people to understand what you are going through when you don't even know whats going on, and every single test that has been done comes out normal, with a few factors off. I just feel like there is more going on than it just being Fibromyalgia, or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I feel that some symptoms have gotten worse, especially my eyes, and the shaking. I can't do anything strenuous without getting really shaky, out of breath, and lightheaded. My legs feel numb/tingly/heavy, and I am still having a reaction to the sun. Found that out when I sat outside for a bit, and my legs started burning. Go inside, and yep, my legs reacted to the sun again. I just wish that one doctor could just look at everything as a whole, instead of what they specialize in. Not a single doctor has looked at it as a whole, I get the whole specialist thing, too, but damn. Just look at it!! Who ever thinks playing sick is fun, is full of shit. It's so easy to play sick, it's the playing well that is hard. You can never do anything when you are sick, so why play?! You get more out of life being productive, and going out and doing things. I want to do things!!! This has been such a frustrating processes.

A heart is just what I needed on a day like today.